nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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