Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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