I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
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Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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