My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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