my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You can't just leave with hair like that
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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