I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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