I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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