The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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