I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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