I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
