What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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