She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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