So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
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He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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