it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
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