first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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