every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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