Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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