so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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