For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
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I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
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The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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