So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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