It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
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We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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