So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
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So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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