It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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