Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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