dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it's like iHOP with fire
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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