dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am midnight drunk by noon
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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