We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
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from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize