i jhust puked up my retainher.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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