I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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