do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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