I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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