I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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