in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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