I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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