look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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