Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
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Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
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idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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