I cannot find my penis.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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