when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
sex in a hospital.. check
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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