i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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