i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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