Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
