you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize