literally had 100 drinks last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
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You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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