yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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