my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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