He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize