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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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