Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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