her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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