I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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